Last night
...before I fly off. I have had my share of supper, my
sidecar and all the time I want with my sisters. Now I have all the time left for myself. I thought I should blog on such a special night. In absolute term, there is nothing special really. But when I do put my heart to
feel the moment, it does feel special.
Somehow, I can't seem to conjure my words into this blog tonight. Probably because of the restrictions I have imposed. Now I think I understand why there is a saying that guys who blog are pathetic. Hmmm....Whatever, anyway I am losing interest in this. Sometimes its easier to share stuff with friends directly.
Should my interest continue, this space will...
Thoughts
Thoughts, volatile moments of our mind that sprouts from creativity, logic or beliefs. Such wonderful things aren't there? Yet they can be scary too. I have been thinking much lately, a result of stepping out of my life momentarily to take a good look of myself and the world around me.
I was with my mom and both my sisters. For the first time ever, i realised my sisters were almost equally tall despite their age difference, I remember both of them smiling out of great fun over a simple dinner. I had a great time with them that night. I am gonna be away for some time so I hope they will be all fine. Hmm...Time is never enough. Maybe I should send her to school tomorrow morning.
I thought about some of the people around me. Thought about how I have been a real bastard. Out of a new perspective, I also saw how I have been a nice friend. There were tough times and days that were sweet like wine.
Tonight it is raining again. I am enjoying it as usual. Its adds a unique kind of coolness to the night and the soft music of raindrops brings out the quietness of the night. The perfect time for a romantic rendezvous with someone special. Also, the perfect time to be all alone in my bedroom accompanied by music and thoughts.
Remember how Zen likes to sit alone and stare into space? I don't think he is really alone. There must have been someone accompanying him. At least he is with himself altogether.
Syndrome
There is nothing paranormal about it. The
Alien Hand Syndrome is a clinically proven medical disorder which results in involuntary movements of the upper limbs. It is typically associated with lesions within the corpus collasum. Though much similar to normal spasm, the range of motion is much more varied. These extends from simple slapping motions to more intricate movements of individual fingers.
Alien hand syndrome: The feeling that one's hand is possessed by a force outside of ones control. The syndrome typically arises after trauma to the brain, after brain surgery or after a stroke or an infection of the brain. A person with the alien hand syndrome can feel sensation in the affected hand but thinks that the hand is not part of their body and that they have no control over its movement, that it belongs to an alien.
Different types of brain injuries cause different subtypes alien hand syndrome. For example, take an injury to the corpus callosum (the area of the brain which connects the two cerebral hemispheres, the two halves of the brain). Such an injury in a right-handed person can give rise to purposeful movements of the left hand, while injury to the brain's frontal lobe of the brain can trigger grasping and other purposeful movements in the dominant right hand. More complex hand movements such as unbuttoning or tearing of clothes are usually associated with brain tumors, aneurysms or strokes. It was about 1230 1245, half an hour since I turn into bed. My mind was still very active when I tried to put myself to sleep. A weird sensation in my right forearm set me awake. My eyes were dreadry and half open when I saw my right arm erected. My muscles were tensed up and my palm wide open with stiff fingers. The sight shocked me. My first sensible train of though told me that it was some kind of a cramp, but it felt totally different from the usual leg cramps accompanied by extreme pain. Furthermore, the left arm under my pillow (a typical habit of mine) was beginning to experience some kind of spasm. Hy heart was gripped my paranormal fears until I kind of remember the condition I have heard of in earlier days - the alien hand syndrome. I squeezed my right hand in a pumping motion to test if it was still within voluntary control. Yes it was and I quickly locked my hands under the pillow. I pressed the back of my head down hard when I felt my hands jerk.
I woke up in the morning and immediately tried to rationalise the midnight encounter.
Gui Yar Shen , dreams, spasms, spirits were just some of the thougths that crossed my mind. My scientific mind got the better of me as I always choose not to believe in ghosts anyway. What I knew for sure was that it was definitely not a dream. You do not experience REM sleep (dream) until at least 3 hours from the time you fall asleep. Even if you were dreaming and acting out your dream, you will be totally unaware of it.
Explanation: When you are in REM sleep, your body is paralysed. When you act out your dream, it is because
part of your brain "awakes" and allows
voluntary movement.You do not experience consciousness and as a result, memories do not form. You can't even see yourself acting out whatever motions there are because your eyes are locked in picturing the products of your
Medulla Oblangta. This proves totally incoherent with my experience.
I probably can't classified it as AHS because the movements of my right forearm were not elaborate. Severe spasm might prove to be a better description for my experience. But still its really scary when you wake up to see that part of your body is actually moving beyond your control. It feels
alien. And there are cases in which people grab their own neck and strangles themselves in the deep of the night. Imagine waking up in panic, only to be sent back to eternal sleep with minutes or seconds.
You thought backward masking was Satanic? Quite the contrary. Zon discovered this technique in an attempt to establish communication with Nikoladyse. How this is possible isn't far from imagination. You just need ad open mind to recognise the scientific nature instead of condemning it from a religious perspective. Think again.
Losing it
Its always true that with time, passion fades. Then comes the problem, of not being able to perform. You review the good old days when your passion drives you and keep you focused, only to realise how much you have detiorate. Then, you were firm and sturdy. Now, you shake and give way to things you said you won't allow. Are you a wuss, or just a victim of disinterested comformity?
I was up all night, dutifully ensuring things go smoothly at the vehicle shed. The night is serene, with an occasional drizzle that adds a smoothing touch to the atmosphere. The guards are prowling, because my eyes are fixed on them. When I so much as look away for a minute, I come back to find them sleeping. Its a pain in the neck and plain irritating. Its 4am in the morning and my eyes are drooping. I put Yeltsin's bibliography aside and took a stroll around the shed to keep myself awake, only to find the two prowlers sleeping on the ramp. See the difference?
I can feel the blood rush in me as I ready myself to unleash a series of scoldings. Yet, something holds me back, like a reluctant arm of hell unwilling to let loose its grip. They deserve to be hang. Why bother? Now I understand with a clearer head. Its me, loosing grip-of my mind and will.
Few know what actually happen after Zon graduated with his Masters. It seem there is a 6 years gap his his recorded chronicles. The tormented young man led a life of seclusion for 5 whole years in an unknown mental institute. Little is known about his life during this period of time. Was he insane? Definitely not. There are reasons to believe that he chose to spend these precious years
learning. An account by one the the nurses claimed that he spent a great due of time associating with savants. Among whom, his closest companion was a Russian named Nikoladyse. Nikoladyse suffered from chronic pseudo-consciousness. A condition in which the patient constantly experiences double reality, peering deep into the roots of consciousness. Such patients are unable to communicate through speech. It appears that as time passed by, Nikoladyse condition improved drastically and even aquired some form of communication skills (There are evidence that Zon devised a method of communicating with him using tape recorders). TBC...
The old man
I step out of the bus and embarked on the familiar route home. Exiting the air-conditioned environment of the bus made me realise how hot the afternoon was. The old man, stood resting against a bike, His ebony black skin glistening with sweat.
As i walked towards him, I observed him. His eyes turned and fixed on me. I knew he was gonna make a move, its just a matter of time. He stopped me and spoke in fine english "excuse me do you speak english" I thought i should just say "no" to him in mandarin, but i said "yeah" instead. He explained how he was trying to take a bus to woodlands and I told him how there is no bus and that he need to take a train. He looked suspicious as i continued to stare at him. Maybe there really is a bus. Two bucks, not too much to ask for, but his reason is not quite worth it. "I had no change" I gave him an excuse. He said he would follow me to a shop nearby to change. To hell with it, he was polite anyway, so I took out my wallet and dug out some coins. He said thank you a couple of times "don't know whether you are a christian but god bless you".
Damn, whats with me why did I give in anyway. "I don't believe in giving or receiving help" wasn't that the way to go.
I remember that good things happen to those who do good deeds. It better be. Something good better befall me. What puzzles me is, have I really changed that much?
It happened on a cold and dark winter night. Zen was walking around town. No one knows what deed he has in those dark alleys. "Hold me..." someone cried. Zen turned towards the old beggar. An old rugged face, all cuddled up in a torn and dirty piece of blanket. "Hold me" he cried again. Zen bent down and took a long hard look at the man. He was coughing rather badly and mucus was dripping off his nose. Zen noticed a syringe lying on the floor "A drug addict hmmf poor old man" There was nothing but silence between the refined young man and the poor beggar. His lips moved. Zen expected it, "heeelp me" he muttered in a half dead tone. He picked up the syringe and pulled the pistoned. "You are already a dead man" he said as he poked the needle up the old man's artery. "Thank you...", the old soul seemed relieved as zen pumped the deadly dose of air into him.
I wonder, what's he doing. Did zen went to look for him intentionally? What is this, mercy killing? Or just a cruel and sick act?
404 File not found
For the hundredth time, the same page appeared. So zen's blog is gone for good? Has it vanished from the surface of the internet? It doesn't exist anymore.The relief is, I can still read through the individual entries through blogspot. Meaning, it only exist in my world... Sad.
I woke up this morning at around 11 with a wide smile. I was happy about the morning rain. The melody of the torrents brought me back from my dreams. I thought "What a beautiful way to start a day". Mom was sleeping in my room...again...but who cares, she is fast asleep. So I slide the window wide open, lie down on my bed and enjoyed. Spectecular, beautiful and amazing.
I reached home at around 645 in the morning. The early birds were already chirpping away, people were jogging in the park and tai-ji lessons have started. Everyday life in such peaceful serenity of a saturday morning. My stomach was feeling a little
gaga (ah found a meaning for this word), thanks to the overdose of alcohol from the previous night. I was at the armour worspec night hosted at neptune restaurant. The function was grand though it falls short compared to any JC prom. But its different anyway so nobody really cared. The food was decent while the show was impressive thanks to a highly animate MC. That guy was really great, being able to link everything to everything else. Above all, he made everyone high. High on laughters. Well there is the neptune revue show, topless dancing and sort but for those who have not watch such performance before, I say you haven't missed anything. Its nothing, really.
Went to alley bar together to join Pang and Thom for some celebration. Opened a bottle of black label and made Pang drink a hell lot. Geez, the though of drinking is beginning to make me feel my stomach again. Went to watch Into the Blue at 2 plus at cine. Throughout the first part of the movie, I was fighting the overdose of alocohol in my stomach. Felt much better after a while. After the movie, it was only 4 plus so we went to the 24hr mac near china black to chat and waste time till the first bus comes.
Got myself an artificial tatoo of a scorpion on my neck. The type that ween tried to fake me with the last time. Though it si quite cool until I realise the paintwork was lacking in skill. Its faded and uneven. Tat. Get myself a genuine one someday. Haha.
On some days when its windy, Zon will seat at the courtyard staring into space. Other students found him peculiar. He is mysterious indeed. I sometimes wonder what goes though his mind during all those times. Few dare to approach him because they found him freaky especially when he starts talking. His voice is always soft, his words are deep and made little sense to the rest. It seems like no one except himself quite understand the logic behind the things he said. Similarly, the papers he published were often treated with nonchalence. His professors knew he was a genius but like they said, Zon's theories are
unacceptable by our moral and social standards.
Rainy night
Without warning, it was raining. I heaved an initial sigh of relieve for being at home and not outside, caught in the rain. Then, the torrents encapsulated me in its beauty. The night was quiet, calm and peacful. The shower added some form of life to it.
My mom kept nagging about the rain splattering in and I was scolded for not closing the window. But I didn't want to, I wanted to marvel at the beauty of nature's tears. Tears? Tears of joy and tears of sorrow. Maybe its human nature that we always remember the negative first. I felt kinda down for a moment, as if something was missing. The soothing rythm of the tit-tat-pitter-patter caught me again. I saw some beautiful moments of my life resurface. At first, I was standing at some void deck. It was pouring and I had came to pick my sister from her tuition class. Of course I had an umbrella with me, but i was standing in the rain, soaked in its enormity. Like magic, I was somewhere else. Running across the road in the heavy rain, sheltering peiting with a file. Time flies but memories remain in our mind, unstolen.
My mom left the room so I slided open the window again for a good view. The wind moistured my face and I could smell the rain. At that very instant, I wanted to share my joy. With anyone. I just wanted to share my joy. Still very much a kid at heart I guess.
When Zen was young, he kept a kitten as pet and named it "Zen's cat" - of all names. Zon didn't quite like the little vermin and laughed at the absurb name. Zen explained he named it this way for good reasons "...you know, animals respond to their name. Not that they know its their
name but they respond to words that sound familiar. The next time someone sprout anything foul about it, it will stare..." Its kind of like building pride using conditioning. Thats nothing. Whats really interesting is that after Zen went into a state of coma, Zon kept the cat with him. He never cared more about anyone His world involved almost nothing but himself.Its not like him to pay such attention to a cat. Unless of course, it reminds him of something - someone. I never understood why.
Not like me
I must say that my stress level has been rising slowly but surely over the past few days. Guess my oncoming driving test attributes alot to this recent uptight feelings. I feel unsecure and low on confidence. Never had I felt this way before. Its not like me to have such low confidence. Secretly, I am telling myself "I don't want to fail". A couple of years back, you will hear me saying "I have every reason to excel".
Driving is one thing. Its the change in attitude and my declining level of confidence with new things that is actually worrying me. Could it be due to the fact that I have become susceptible to negative thoughts? On a more positive note, its good to know whats actually going on up there in my "metaphysical" self. Its shows that, afterall, my emotional defense system is still up.
A few days back, guojun said something about carrying one's feelings by the sleeves. He said it makes one vulnerable to being hurt by others. I told him quite frankly that I don't believe that now. I didn't understand? Quite the opposite. I shared the same mentality some time back. Then I learnt that no one is out to hurt others intentionally. Even if there are such people who are out to prick other's feelings, it has got nothing to do with exposing your emotions to the "public". Its all about resilience and courage. If your mind is frail, you get hurt no matter how deep you try to hide, or protect your emotions with your ego. You will still find it hurting someday. You fail to grow up emotionally because its all sheltered from the wind. Worse, you find it decaying. Then, you realise you have no one to blame for this hurting heart.
It never cease to puzzle me. Why did such a prodigy, master of the mind, fall victim to such mental turmoil. Zon was strong. He had always been the better of the twins, superceeding zen's rational mind with his bizzare logic. How can such a person possibly suffer from mental breakdown. Losing grip of his identity, he argued with himself. Argued with an imaginary twin brother who is not there. He gave zen space to live within himself. Zen survived in him.
Amazingly, he recovered and eventually became
stronger as the years passed by. Becoming a puppet master of human emotions and reasons. It seemed that during the 2 years he spent in mental institution, he learnt profoundly important: Emotions are equally powerful as reasons. They compliment each other.
